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Explore your emotions at a deeper level in this seven part blog series of “Welcoming Your Emotions through the Way of the Horse”

Exploring and welcoming our emotions is valuable and can be incredibly eye-opening, yet most of us avoid feeling or talking about our emotions because that is what we have been conditioned to since childhood. Our feelings are a window into our needs and provide a path to connect with others and therefore to our deeper selves, because to empathize makes us more human.

Why horses? As prey animals horses constantly reads whether a situation presents danger by sensing energetic and emotional currents in their environment. They have a keen sense of smell, hearing, body awareness and energy waves. Horses do not judge or begrudge, and they are completely congruent, authentic and present in the moment. If no danger is present…they go back to grazing.

Humans on the other hand, over-analyze our own and others’ feelings, get stuck in emotions, and worry about past and future, while forgetting to live our life in the present. A horse picks up on the way people are feeling, mirroring their emotions and responding. As a herd animal attuned to stress and body language, a horse will move away from an angry person, follow someone it trusts and be unsettled when it senses fear, making it a perfect mentor for a human learning the language behind her emotions.

By welcoming your emotions, rather than avoiding them, you can flow through difficult situations. By illustrating parallel behavior patterns between human and horse, you will also learn how to go back to grazing…and live your life with less turmoil and more purpose.

This week, we explore Guilt & Shame and Hatred.

Guilt and Shame go hand in hand. Both arise when we have done something to hurt, embarrass, destabilize or dehumanize ourselves or others, and shame moderates this behavior in us to ensure we do not do it again. We all do things we come to regret. Shame and guilt are universal. We hide our shameful stuff from ourselves and others. Secret shame and guilt are toxic. Hidden, they squelch feeling worthy and lovable and diminish spontaneity and pleasure because of our fears of what others may think.

When we look at the gifts in the emotions of guilt and shame we discover atonement, integrity, self-respect and a call for behavioral change. Shame is also an essential emotion that helps you set clear behavioral boundaries for yourself. We all know the feeling we get when we said something that hurt someone else’s feelings. Instead of mulling over the feeling for long periods, ask yourself: “who has been hurt? What must be made right?”

With the help of these questions, you and your shame can revisit the situation and feel some appropriate remorse. You can apologize and atone, and you can promise to do things differently the next time. This appropriate remorse will strengthen your relationships, teach you better skills for the future, and allow your healthy shame to recede naturally, because its job is done.

Hatred arises in the presence of our ‘shadow’ (the place where we hide things we cannot accept in ourselves, and demonize in others). The gift of hatred is an intense awareness of what we hide away and a sudden evolution of how to get rid of hatred. The questions to ask are: What has fallen into my shadow? What must be reintegrated? Like anger, hatred is about setting boundaries and working through things we are unwilling to accept about ourselves.

Horses do not feel shame, guilt and hatred. Since they are primarily concerned with survival, they do not stop and think about whether they hurt your feelings and they do not feel shame over their actions; that is simply not in their make-up.

Horses can feel simple emotions (such as fear and joy) but they do not process the emotions like humans, nor do they harbor their emotions like us.

If you want to explore your emotions further through Equine Guided Sessions and Experiential Learning, sign up for one of my workshops this winter. Visit http://caballusconsulting.com for more information on how to reserve your space.

Next week we look at how to welcome our emotions Jealosy and Envy.

Humans have been conditioned since childhood to avoid or suppress troublesome feelings and go on as if nothing is happening. But what do we do if we can’t actually hide our feelings and emotions? According to Linda Kohanov, author of several best selling books like: “Power of the Herd” and “Tao of Equus”, we can look to our horses for the answer. These highly sensitive animals use emotion as information. Rather than suppressing uncomfortable feelings or outlandishly expressing them, horses follow a simple four-point method that any human is smart enough to learn. They:

• Feel the emotion in its purest form.
• Get the message behind the emotion.
• Change something in response to that message.
• Go back to grazing. (Get back on task or back to enjoying life. Horses, in other words, don’t hang onto the story, endlessly ruminating over the details of uncomfortable situations

By collaborating with the nonverbal wisdom of emotion, horses conserve energy for true emergencies. Let’s look at the emotion of fear, nature’s warning system. At a distance, horses can sense whether a lion is on the prowl or simply passing through. In the former case, the herd races to safety without hesitation. In the latter, alert yet relatively relaxed horses will often continue grazing as the cat saunters through the field on his way to an afternoon nap. These animals don’t waste time fretting that they had to run from a predator, and they don’t stay up all night questioning why God invented lions in the first place.

Same with anger: Horses use this momentarily uncomfortable rise in energy to help them set boundaries. A stallion may get a little feisty and try to push his mares around. If they’re not in the mood for his shenanigans, they’ll pin their ears and warn him to back off. If he doesn’t listen, they’ll become more emphatic, kicking out and squealing if necessary. Yet when he finally gives them space, they’ll relax, joining him later for a nap under a favorite tree. These horses don’t need hours of counseling to work out their resentment and disappointment. Both offender and offended get the message behind the anger, change something in response, let the emotion go, and resume their enjoyment of life.

As it turns out, letting the emotion go is easier than you might expect. Contrary to popular belief, fear, frustration, and anger are actually quite reasonable if you know how to work with them. When you get the message behind these “negative” feelings, and change something in response, they dissipate on their own. Psychotherapy and sainthood are not prerequisites for emotional mastery. The average person can learn the necessary skills in a weekend, and life itself provides plenty of practice.

The problem is that most adults have been suppressing emotion for so long that these simple warnings have fused into monstrous complexes that truly are disturbing when they rear their ugly heads. We’ve grown up fearing feeling itself, and that is the root of our discontent.

Exploring and welcoming our emotions is valuable and can be incredibly eye-opening, yet most of us avoid feeling or talking about our emotions because that is what we have been conditioned to since childhood. Our feelings are a window into our needs and provide a path to connect with others and therefore to our deeper selves, because to empathize makes us more human.

Why horses? As prey animals horses constantly assess whether a situation presents danger by sensing energetic and emotional currents in their environment. They have a keen sense of smell, hearing, body awareness and energy waves. Horses do not judge or begrudge, and they are completely congruent, authentic and present in the moment. If no danger is present…they go back to grazing. Humans on the other hand, over-analyze our own and others’ feelings, get stuck in emotions, and worry about past and future, while forgetting to live our life in the present.

Over the next seven weeks, you will learn about the messages and gifts behind each emotion and how, by welcoming your emotions, rather than avoiding them, you can flow through difficult situations. By illustrating parallel behavior patterns between human and horse, you will also learn how to go back to grazing…and live your life with less turmoil and more purpose.

Before we dive in, let us establish that there is no right or wrong, positive or negative, good or bad, emotion! All emotions are necessary to understand ourselves and others.

This week, we explore Anger, Apathy & Boredom.

Anger is our honorable sentry; our guard and protector. It is the emotion that helps you understand who you are, both as an individual and as a member of social groups. When you feel anger it means that someone has violated your boundaries, either physically or emotionally. It could be a violation or challenge of your self-image, your views, your voice or that of others near you.

The gift brings is an awareness of who you are, how you honor yourself, whether you are being heard by your partner or others around you, and how well you set boundaries in your interpersonal relationships. If you have a healthy self-esteem you will be able to let anger flow through you. If not, it will require work. Low self-esteem often results in an inability to say no to others, and afterwards we get angry with ourselves for being “weak”. Ask yourself: what boundary needs to be protected or restored?

Horses are herd animals and they set boundaries all the time; they also respect boundaries, because when they don’t – other horses will surely remind them about personal space, through body language (and a swift kick!) Horses have a unique ability to make sure that humans know and become aware of their space needs, whereas in human relationships we are not always listening or watching the cues when we cross others’ or our own boundaries.

Apathy and Boredom are masks for anger but also a gift. When we are unable to express anger (because of the situation) we avoid or detach…a wonderful gift that affords us a time-out and temporary protection, while we figure out how to deal with our true anger and reset our boundaries. Imagine applying an attitude of “whatever” instead of blowing up in rage? That’s the gift. In the meantime you can ask yourself what is being avoided and what must be made conscious.

Horses do not get angry and hang on to the emotion the way humans do. They can certainly become bored and apathetic. If anger is an emotion you feel inside but do not express, the horse’s feedback to you may be in form of ignoring you…displaying a disconnection or a “whatever” moment, that clearly says: “when you become congruent and recognize your anger, I may start engaging with you. Until then I will stand over here by the fence and be apathetic!”

If you want to explore your emotions further through Equine Guided Sessions and Experiential Learning, sign up for one of my workshops this winter. Visit http://caballusconsulting.com for more information on how to reserve your space.

Next week we look at how to welcome our emotions Guilt & Shame and Hatred

Emotions underlie the majority of the stress we experience, influence our decisions, provide the motivation for our actions, and create the textures that determine our quality of life.

Unmanaged emotions can be the source of mental chaos.

Together, both quality of life and mental chaos form the basis for much of my work in coaching families who feel they are overwhelmed by a society that seems to no longer value the family unit as much as in the past.

Arlie Hochschild is an American social thinker and sociologist, who believes that the family is our most precious and mutually powerful form of emotional commitment. When that commitment is not honored, either by society at large, or by parents working too many hours, an unhealthy balance and mental chaos starts to creep into our relationships and emotional reactions occur.

Emotions such as anxiety, anger, frustration, sadness, fear, confusion, shame and guilt show up and play havoc and will build unless managed and dealt with. It is one of the differences between humans and horses. Humans contemplate and can become almost paralyzed by overwhelming emotions, whereas horses never think deeply about how they feel – they assess the situation in terms of survival and if there is no danger, they simply go back to grazing. Would it not be great if we could just graze through life?

Emotions are valuable, and offer a bounty of benefits. Once we are able to process and cope with them effectively, we can learn a lot about ourselves and our needs. Emotions send us important messages about our and help us connect with others and accomplish great things. Emotions carry gifts with them…once you have identified the emotion and its message, it is time to take action.

Ask yourself if there’s anything you can do to solve the situation; what needs to be protected, released, restored, avoided, or celebrated? How can you get grounded, define healthy boundaries, and renew yourself?

If you feel you need some help in figuring out how to work through your emotions and how your family can be restored as the unit that matters, call me for a FREE discovery session. Coaching can unlock the grip that un-addressed emotions have on you and allow you to go back to grazing…and enjoying life!

Mindfulness is a type of meditative technique that emphasizes an observant and nonreactive stance toward one’s thoughts, emotions, and body states.

You would think that “silent”, “sitting” and “slow” are oxymoron actions to a person with ADHD, however, consider the relaxation part of mindfulness for a minute. Although often induced during the training, it is not the sole goal of this practice; rather, the main activity is a cognitive and intention-based process characterized by self-regulation of attention to the present moment. Self-regulation and present moment being the key words here.

Research indicates that ADHD is a complex behavioral disorder causing deficits in executive functioning, including attention, working memory, and inhibition and difficulties in arousal, motivation, and emotional regulation. These deficits and difficulties can be considered self-regulation impairments.

Mindfulness meditation is a self-regulatory practice that is multifaceted but appears to improve self-regulation of attention and emotion. It therefore makes sense that using a mindfulness-based approach in ADHD symptom management may well improve the self-regulation resulting in being less impaired and more “regulated”.

Being mindful and present in the moment also applies in work with horses, which is probably why we see such success in partnering with horses to help people with ADHD. There just isn’t room for impulsive, fast, aroused and emotional behavior when you handle a horse or share space with a horse. Self-regulation, self-awareness and calm, relaxed body language will allow you to communicate and flow with the horse in unison. This alignment with your inner true persona is rewarded through the acknowledgment from the horse that the two of you are “on the same page”.

So get mindful, get aware and get with a horse!

Hanadi is almost 9 years old. She is very adament about the “almost 9 years old” part! Today she stepped into her courage and dared greatly as she attempted to move a 1200 lbs sentient being a few steps to the right and a few to the left.

Appisonata, “Appi” for short, is a 16 year old ex-polo horse who was gifted to Hanadi and the two are forming a bond nobody could have predicted. Appi’s tender soft eyes follow Hanadi’s every move, and there are many moves! You see, Hanadi is not your average 9-year old. She has ADD and Cerebral Palsy, both which interfere in simple tasks. Not only mentally, with concentration, focus, and staying on task, but also her horse handling abilities (try doing everything with one hand/arm!)

Appi and Hanadi have many things in common. Appi has old injuries from the brutal game of Polo and doesn’t move as swiftly as expected. Neither does Hanadi with her Celebral Palsy, and coincidentally both have a “weak right side”.

Today though, there was no stopping Hanadi from handling Appi…she showed up promptly at 7am, to allow for working while it’s still cool. After establishing our safety bubbles (safe space) and checking whether Appi had sensitive and ticklish areas (using a special stick), Hanadi moved Appi backwards, forwards, sideways, and around.

The transformation from being a scared little girl who shy’ed away from horses a month ago, to handling her horse with such confidence and no fear, has been astounding! And in all that, Appi held the sacred space for Hanadi with such patience, respect and a big heart, as if she knows all too well that they share slight disabilities.

It was such a delight to witness the two in unison, like a dance, and to see the big smile on Hanadi’s face when she groomed Appi after the work.

Coach Lola witnessed the whole session too and is releasing a big yawn to illustrate how aligned everyone is!

How do they help children and adults with ADHD to build confidence, better relationships and emotional balance?

Being told your child has ADHD can be devastating to parents. Not knowing how to deal with it or what treatment and support options are available magnifies the issue. ADHD affects not only the child but the whole family. The demands of a child with ADHD can be exhausting, mentally and physically. Emotions such as guilt, anger, shame,anxiousness and vulnerability break through the most resistant armor, as parents try to understand their child’s behavior. The child with ADHD will also need emotional and social support.

Because they can be “challenging” to both adults and other children, their self-esteem may be affected and children with ADHD may lack positive experiences with accomplishment and friendships. Research shows that 50-80% of teens with ADHD have significant interpersonal difficulties, impacting relationships with parents, teachers and friends.

Fortunately, today, there are many alternative and unconventional methods available for managing ADHD symptoms. Equine guided activities are among such methods.

The exercises are designed as building blocks to open new neural pathways in our mind and our body by stretching our ability to feel the presence and intention of others through using our entire bodies as a sensory device.

Children with ADHD generally have issues with executive function, the ability to think and plan ahead, to organize, focus and complete tasks.

Horses are excellent communicators and teachers and respond to a person’s intentions, emotions and thoughts that are conveyed subconsciously through body language.

Working with horses can help the ADHD child with planning, increased focus and staying on a task, improved self-confidence (working with a 1200 pound animal can be intimidating), controlling anger and other emotional reactions and improved relationship building.